The Road to the Deep Mystical
The neurosurgeon peered down at me.
In a very tense and serious tone, he said, "You're going to have to understand that your life as it has been up to this point is over. You need extensive surgery on your spinal cord and upper vertebrae just to be able to live. If we are able to successfully bolt your skull back to the upper portion of your vertebrae, and surgically repair the six ruptured discs in your back, you will be able to live. You will always be in pain and you may regain some of the movement in your limbs but the most important thing is simply this, you will live. Joe, let me be perfectly clear. If you don't have this surgery, you will die."
I had been in the hospital for just over 24 hours. The day earlier, a violent auto accident left me completely paralyzed, "Have you made arrangements for organ transplants? " was the first question paramedics asked me. I survived the scene, the lifeflight helicopter trip to the spinal trauma unit at the Atlanata Medical Center and an absolutely excruciating painful night in an operating room while an organ transplant team had patiently waited till I died so they could harvest my organs.
It was like a scene out of the worst B movie you could imagine. I could see the medical personnel, including the patiently waiting organ transplant team, behind the observatory glass. When the enormously powerful narcotics would begin to wear off(usually after about 30 or 40 minutes), the pain would escalate beyond description.
In actuality what was happening was that the paralysis caused by the spinal cord injury was beginning to reverse itself. When that happens the body's nerve endings begin to refire. At first, it's like a twitching. Then streaks of pain begin shooting all over your limbs and torso. Like a thousand hot jagging needles they race throughout the body's muscular sytem. The twitching turns to spasms. The spasms become so intensified they morph into a high vibrational kind of convulsion. I could literally look down over my body and see it vibrating and convulsing like a scene out of the Exorcist. With many people that kind of incredible trauma results in death.
It must have been a gruesome scene because some of the people behind the observational windows would turn their heads and walk away. It was in those moments of raging torture that I would summon up all the love I had and begin singing my Love Song to God. Just a simple chant of the sound HU. Slowly drawn out with the little breath I could muster, I'd sing HU; softly and reverantly. It was a technique that I had learned decades before. I had used it to slip out of my body and travel to the inner spiritual worlds. And that night, I used it to leave my body because I couldn't stand the pain anymore. I wouldn't go far. Just a few feet outside my body. I would focus on the Light I could see in my mind's eye. I clearly understood that I had the choice to go totally into the Light and never have to return to my painful body, but I had earlier that day made a commitment to Spirit that I would endure what was necessary so, as long as I could still feel the pain, I could stay connected to my body.
It wasn't just a single event though. For over sixteen hours I endured the hourly ritual of a syringe full of fentanyl, the relative calm, and then the ramp up to incredible electrical voltage searing every cell in my body till I saw no choice but to slip out of my body again. I made it through to the next morning when medical personnel charged with my care made what should have been a fatal error. By then, the transplant team had given up and they transferred me to private intensive care room.
The morning shift nurse didn't read her orders carefully enough and refused to give me the fentanyl because it was, in her words, way too powerful. My pain went into hyperspace. I wanted so much to get into the Light and relieve my pain, but I couldn't. The pain continued to intensify and I recognized that the anger I had toward the nurse was what was intensifying the pain. Because of my anger, I couldn't muster up the love necessary to leave my body. To get further into the Light and relieve the pain, I had to forgive her for her incompetance. Even more than "forgive", I had to be genuinely grateful for her actions. It was my only route for release into the Light of Love. When I finally was able to do that, I no longer was in the hospital room.
The intensity of the pain had become so overwhelming, I was literally sling shotted into the Light. An hour and a half later I received my injection and I thudded back into my body.
Now, here I was again, a few hours later, with one of the nation's finest neurosurgeons again predicting my future.
"If I die, I die," I said. "but no surgery." Perhaps it was partially the result of being under the influence of such powerful narcotics. Perhaps, intuitively and instinctively, I was just able to see how I could survive this harrowing experience with the aid and assistance of Spirit.
"Look, Mr Homsey," the neurosurgeon exclaimed in a terse disciplinarian tone, "if you don't have this surgery you will absolutely die. Your skull has been detatched from the rest of your upper spinal column and vetebrae. The tendons and ligaments holding your head on have been stretched and shredded. If you receive so much the jolt from a 5 mph rear end collision such as a traffic accident, you will die instantly. Your head will literally fall off."
He continued his tirade. "In addition, a vertebrae with a razor sharp arthritic spur has been jammed into your spinal cord, cutting the outer covering of your spinal column and causing a central cord contusion. I'm not sure why you're still alive, but let's be thankful you are. Central Cord damage is often fatal and it almost always causes some kind of permanant damage including paralysis. You have considerable brain stem injury and your memory will undoubtedly be permanently affected."
The neursurgeon intensified his chastising rhetoric, "Listen to me. You will ABSOLUTELY DIE if you do not have this surgery."
I looked up at his scowling face and said, "No surgery."
Four days of excruciatingly painful days in the intensive care unit were followed by a nine additional days in the hospital. After the sixth day I bagan to vomit. Up to a dozen times a day, I was in horrendous pain. The normal intense muscular effort needed to vomit put my entire body in agony. It felt like 50,000 volts of electricity burning its way throughout my entire body, all ending in a huge flaming knot the size of a softball at the second and third vertebrae.
All the while nurses sent by the neurosurgeon were urging me to re-consider the surgery option. On the 8th day a weekend lab tech from the internal medicine department discovered that my body chemistry numbers were way off. The fluid restrictions prescribed for my diet had created dangerously low sodium levels causing me to go into dehydration. That's what was causing the vomiting and dry heaves.
During these days I had been trying my best to use a technique I learned decades before while studying my spiritual teachings. I envisioned a healing orange light bathing my body, and at the same time allowing the pain to increase; feeling the pain burn till the flames of pain rose from my body.
After the correct diagnosis of dehydration, I was given 24 hours of saline in an IV drip and the vomiting stopped. The error filled diagnoses had been hanging over my head for days. First, it was the medical staff's initial diagnosis that I would die within hours. Second, the neurosurgeon's dire prediction for my demise if I were to sustain any sudden head movements. The violent head movements characteristic of sudden vomiting episodes had already proven him wrong. Prescribing a low salt, low fluid diet almost did me in all by itself, but fate obviously had another chapter or two in mind.
After the vomiting episodes stopped, two additional serious problems came to the forefront. First was my digestive system. Because of a combination of internal trauma and reactions to various medicines, it had been 10 days since I had any bowel movements. Doctors had tried every remedy in their traditional medical bag. Nothing worked. On top of all the other discomfort I was in, I now was beginning to experience severe lower intestinal discomfort.
I sang my Love Song to God, then looked and listened. The room phone rang. The nurse answered and on the other end of the line was a good friend of mine. She had heard of my accident and injuries, and her call was to offer any services she could extend, including a Reki Session if I wanted one. What perfect timing. I accepted her offer. She said she and an assistant would be over to the hospital in two hours.
They arrived at the same time I was due for a rehabilitation session with the hospital's therapist. I informed the therapist and the nurse that I needed to be alone with the two Reki healers. A big fuss was raised but, at my insistence, the nurse and the therapist left my room, and the two women began their Reki healing session. Within two hours the pain and pressure was released and that part of me was cured. I had asked for guidance from Spirit and listened intently to the guidance when it arrived.
The next day was a tough one. In still another effort by doctors to convince me to allow spinal surgery, the hospital staff arranged a therapy session with whom I called the "mental therapist". An orderly wheeled me into her office. I was just starting to have some hope of coming out of this mess.
She sat down, looked at me, and said, "Joe, we're not really sure how you survived this accident as well as you have. Actually we're really not sure how you're alive at all. You seem to be operating out of some kind of strange survival state."
She continued, "Joe, I need to be perfectly honest with you. MRIs have revealed that you have severe brainstem injury. Your memory has been severely affected."
"My memory is fine," I bristled.
"No Joe, your memory is not fine. Your ability to remember most things is completely gone. In the state you're in right now, you THINK you remember but it's virtually impossible to remember something you've already forgotten or something that that's been erased.
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"Joe, it's really important for people, like you, who've had major spinal cord injury to accept the damage that has been done. Until you do that, it's almost impossible for any kind of recovery to begin to develop. That's especially true with brainstem injury. Joe, you're never going to be nomal again...at least you're never going to, once again, be the same person you were before. It's extremely important that you accept that."
"There is nothing wrong with my brain," I insisted. "My memory is fine."
"No, Joe, it's not. We want to help you improve. Joe, you'll never be normal, but you can improve. You've been through some incredible trauma. I don't want to traumatize you any more, but it's important for you to understand something."
"What?" I asked.
"Joe, I'm going to give you a test. You'll know the results as soon as we're done. This test will reveal how much of your memory is gone."
"What kind of test?" I asked.
"Joe, I've done some research on your life and work history. You're a writer, correct?"
"Yes, I write some. Why?"
"You have a good command of the English language, right?" the therapist asked.
"Not as good as I would like," I responded.
"Okay Joe, I'm going to give you three minutes. I want you to give me every word you can think of that starts with the letter 'd'; okay?"
"Sure," I said. "How many do you want?"
"As many as you can give me. I realize you can't move your hands and fingers to write, but you just say them and I'll write them down, okay?"
"Okay," I said.
She took out a stop watch, pen and a notepad. She said, "Go", clicked the stop watch to begin and set it down on the table.
I began. "Did...dog.......
The therapist sat there silently, looking at herwatch. 30 seconds went by. Then a minute, then two,then three. It might have been the longest three minutes of my life. My mind seemed to race, sort of like a gerbil; round and round, but going nowhere. I was unable to come up one word past did and dog. My mind was racing and as it did, the frustration, anger, and exasperation mounted.
"Joe," she began again very softly. "It's been almost two weeks since your accident. The damage to your memory is severe. It's most likely permanent. Just like the damage to the nerves that run your arms, hands, and fingers. Joe, face it, the paralysis is not going to reverse itself. You're going to need a lifetime of therapy. You'll always be in pain and with the damage to your brain, you'll probably never be able to work again. Joe, we can help you but you really need to acknowledge your limitations."
Emotionally, it was my lowest point. The orderly wheeled me back to my hospital room. I lay on the bed staring at the ceiling. Every bit of skin tissue, every bone from my fingers to my shoulders were stinging with incredible pain and numbness at the same time. The part(my mind and brain) of me that I thought had survived relatively intact was now a liability as well.
There had been days and days of pondering and spiritual exercises and listening to the nudges of Spirit. I sensed not to listen to the neurosurgeon's urgings for surgery. I defied hospital staff's chastising when I brought in the holistic Reki healers. But where would I go from here?
At that moment the Director of Rehabilitation Services popped into my room. I guess he could see the gloom on my face. He sat down next to my bed. He looked kindly into my eyes and said, "Joe, I heard that the memory test didn't go so well."
"Yeah, you heard right," I said.
"Joe, I'm going to tell you something about your injuries, and more importantly, I'm going to tell you something about how you can minimize their effect on you."
"You have to understand that the brain is connected to all parts of the body through the nervous system. The injury you sustained interrupted those connections. That's why you were paralyzed intially. Restarting those connections is very painful. To be honest, that restarting process is often times fatal. But if it's not fatal, it's extremely painful for a long, long time...maybe permanently. That's what you're experiencing now. To many people...to most people that level of pain is too intense to deal with day in and day out. Most people would have never survived that first 24 hours. People routinely die from that level of pain. That's why you were provided with the drugs we gave you. We don't like to see people suffer with that level of pain. But you didn't die. Having acknowledged that, we now have to deal with the situation you're currently in.
Everyone will understand if you choose to continue taking strong pain killers to ease the pain. But there's something very important I have to tell you about how those pain killers work. Part of them is a painkiller like tylenol. Part of them is an opiate. The tylenol reduces some of the pain. When pain is too intense, like yours, the other part of painkiller, the opiate, not only amplifies the pain reduction, it helps with the enormous stress and anxiety associated with that kind of severe pain. When the stress and anxiety is reduced it feels good to just lay there and reduce your movement. Less movement...less pain, especially in your case. But just like a muscle that doesn't get exercise will eventually begin to atrophy, your nerves will begin to lose effectiveness, especially if you don't work them. You have to try in some way to get those nerves working. Your problem is much more complicated than a normal phsyiological injury. Your problem is directly linked into your brainstem through your nervous system. It's important for you to keep those nerves endings working. Working them will be excruciatingly painful. If you want to try to heal your arms, hands, and fingers, AND if you want your mind to begin working again, you will have to work at it. It will hurt like you've never experienced before, and you probably won't ever get back what you once had, but you will be able to improve some. But I can assure you that you will get almost no results if you continue to use the opiates. The opiates help with the pain, but they actually prevent you from feeling the pain. In your situation, feeling the pain is a vital part of the healing process."
"With your injuries as they are, you will have to find some way to use your mind and your fingers at the same time. When you do so, the nerve pathways will not atrophy, and can, in fact, begin to reknit, allowing you increased motor skills AND at the same time, help your brain to regain some of those lost functions. When you do so, the pathways from your brain downward to your spinal cord, and the nerve pathways from your fingers to your spinal cord will meet right at the damaged portion of your spinal cord. That will be excruciating. It will feel like a hot knife cutting into the back of your neck. The more pain you can endure, the more your functions will return."
I sat silently, watching him, listening to him. It was as if the God was speaking to me. A few days later I was released from the hospital. Although I could only take a few steps at a time and the strength in my hands and fingers would barely allow me to lift one pound of anything, I went home.
I slept a lot. When I would awake, I would go to my desk, sit down and slowly begin to type. At first I could only go for a few minutes. The pain was so intense it felt like I was going to black out. I had great difficulty coordinating my fingers to go where I wanted them to go, so I had to watch my fingers as I typed. But one keystroke after another, I punched out letters and words on the computer. Using my fingers was one half of the treatment. I also needed to be able to use my mind. The deeper and more creatively I could think, the deeper into my mind I could access and the deeper the rekniting and healing would take place. And when I say "deeper", I mean "deeper."
It became a daily exercise to focus on myself as something beyond my physical being. In order to block out the pain, I would venture into the deepest recesses of my mind...my being. I would go to internet websites where I could articulate my thoughts and viewpoints on spiritual principles. I would also visit websites that evoked strong passions in me. The pain was so intense that I needed a strong emotional reason to endure the pain to get my point across. I was able to venture into some spiritual realms. In order to do that I would have to place my attention on some profound spiritual concepts. As I did so, less attention would be placed upon the pain. My fingers were still moving and I was exercising the highest aspects of myself as a spiritual being. In these exercises of will and determination some of the concepts that I was already familiar with exploded into vast new dimensions. Among other things the mathematics and insights behind the Force 2012 framework opened into exciting new realms.
Like I said, at first it was just a few minutes at a time. I worked my way up to ten, fifteen, twenty minutes then a half hour, then an hour. It took many weeks. The weeks slipped into months. Between each typing session I would literally collapse on my bed from the pain and sleep for hours. After three months I was able to do four hour sessions.
My fingers, though still tingling and somewhat numb, were very workable. I could carry on conversations with friends and family that came to visit. My vocabulary returned to almost pre-accident levels. I joined a speech making class and practiced giving speeches, relearning the skill of composing sentences and speaking at the same time.
Today, my hands and fingers are fully functional without pain. I still have some residual pain in my shoulders and although I can only lift about 50 lbs, it's a far cry from the one pound struggle I once had. Being able to work my mind deep into its recesses with the willingness to work through the physical discomfort simultaneously has enabled my recovery to be nearly complete; far, far from anything physicians and experts had predicted.
I did continue to explore holistic avenues in my recovery process. I went for some followup Reki sessions. I used a Rife Generator for several weeks and I had two Directional Healing sessions. For emotional balancing I absorbed the book, "Radical Forgiveness", by Colin Tipping and I continued to sing HU every day for spiritual nutrition. It's taken me several years to undo and reverse some bizarre bi-polar symptoms that resulted from the use of the powerful opiates that I was given those first few weeks. Even though I consciously chose to discontinue their use and endure incredible pain, the effect they had on my emotional core has been the longest and most persistent obstacle I've had to overcome.
I can't say that my ventures into the Light beyond all light were all of my own volition, and I have to acknowledge that pure physical and violent trauma was the trigger for some of those journeys. But I can say that a steeled determination to repeatedly access inner mystical realms has helped me gain a perspective on the true nature of existence and what we call life. That "life" has a rhythm to it. That rhythm is reflected in the Force 2012 dynamics.